this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
