Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
