Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
as a side note pls kill me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
