I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
