Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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