I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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