You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i was born a porn star she said
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
