If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
