I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
