Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
