i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
