you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
