I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
