Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
