just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize