East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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