I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The ass gains better be worth it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
