did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
