using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
