im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
