She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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