Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
