she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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