When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
