You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
