so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
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My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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