Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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