I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
