i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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