Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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