Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
