My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
