You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
