I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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