Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
