So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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