weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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