Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
