youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
