i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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