there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
