He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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