im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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