really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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