today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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