Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
