the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
