Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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