I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
