She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
