I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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