I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
