my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
