fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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