Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
