You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
