Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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