Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
