remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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