I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
